Allotments are wrong

You know, it's been some time since I published one of my insightful advice notes on planning matters. My fans will be familiar with my excellent posts on Trees and Town Planning followed up by other carefully crafted notes on Hotels and then Wind Farms. Today I've chosen to write about allotments.

I read this week that people can wait for a long time to get a Council allotment -perhaps nine years. I'm surprised that people care about this because allotments should actually be banned. I've always associated them with a deep seated perversion that afflicts both men and women - and it affects animals too! When colleagues mention allotments I mark them down in their annual assessments or make negative comments in the margins of my little black book. That may seem harsh but I am simple looking after their best interests.

Take for example the sad case of a young man back in 2002 who was having sex with a goat on an allotment in Bridlington, somewhere in England. The court heard that the man was seen by an elderly gentleman walking with his grandson. The goat lover hid but then backed into view again, with his trousers round his ankles and a tight grip on the animal. He pleaded guilty to buggery and it was said that the goat had suffered distress during the assault, which went on for up to 10 minutes. You can find a full report here. Clearly the presence of the allotment opened his mind to the disgusting possibilities that subsequently eventuated.

This is typical of the sort of thing that goes on in allotments. Just back in September, and also in England, a Weymouth man was found guilty of indecency with a young boy in his allotment shed on several occasions between 1975 and 1992. He invited them into his shed to look at 'girly magazines' and then one thing led to another. Distressing for everyone involved - including the police, judge and jury who had to listen to this tale of woe. Again, the presence of an allotment led this man into this unfortunate behaviour.

In Darlington - also in England - Council chiefs pledged to investigate after allotments were swamped by an infestation of rats. A nearby resident, who did not want to be named, added: “Just days ago, I found a dead rat in my street. I have lived here ten years and never seen one before. The fact that there now seems to be hundreds, potentially thousands, of rats, just a stone’s throw from my front door, is worrying.” Quite so but again, this is typical of the sorts of problems that allotments can bring and planners need to be well aware of these.

You know, planners are guilty of encouraging allotments and seeing them as part of some sort of beneficial green, sustainable, food-growing, climate change, middle class sandal-wearing related concept. Rubbish! An allotment is a breeding ground for perverts, rats, head lice and other problems that we can all live without.  It's a place where fat women in bright clothes gather to gossip and eat homemade bread.  Husbands disappear from their wives and homes to sit in sheds for hours on end and this undermines the glue of the family and society as a whole. Let's just ban allotments and be done with it. In any case, they usually represent excellent development sites and should be handed over to volume housebuilders immediately.